The Idiot Saga: Remixed
by Doktor Devious
Summary: A Remix of TheBrick's own Idiot Saga. Detailed (as I was willing to be) explanation in the first chapter. Hope you enjoy it and more to come if TheBrick approves.


**Remember TheBrick's fanfic "The Idiot Saga"? Yeah I'm taking that and, assuming he approves of this first chapter, remixing the whole thing. I am still writing a continuation for his version of the fic so Link and Kasuto will not only be tormented by a crazy Reaper and his timid/psychotic sister in THIS version but also a lesbionic, not kidding, Vampire who gets unnervingly calm during times of intense bloodshed and a full moon.**

**That's enough ramblin' outta me. Let's git this show ON THE ROAD!**

In the vast deep forest of Hyrule... Long have I served as the guardian spirit... I am known as the Deku Stump...

The brats who like to mooch off me, the Kokiri, live here with me, as much as I hate them. Each Kokiri has his or her own guardian fairy, who're as annoying as hell! I mean, all they say is "Hey! Listen! Hello!" It drives me nuts! There's only a few fairies who speak more than those words, and they're even more annoying! And there's that one brat who doesn't have a fairy! He's more annoying than a hundred of those fairies! I think his name is Link, but I'm not sure, since yesterday he was calling himself Superman, and he was trying to fly by jumping off the roof of his house. I bet you can guess what happened next. It involved much pain and swearing for Link.

"**Get on with it!"** Tim the Enchanter yelled

"_Seriously, Tim?"_ I asked

"**Get on with it!"** Sheogorath thundered from above

"_Okay! Okay! Jesus Christ bananas, mang!"_ I get zapped

"_I'm lookin' at you, Tim..."_ I angrily state

Link was tossing and turning in his bed, in the middle of a nightmare. In the nightmare, Saria was trying to convince him to marry her.

"Nooo! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" he screamed while trying to grip the ground to stop Saria from dragging him off.

"It'll be good for you, Sweetie-Pie!" She continued dragging him off to her house, with him screaming protests every inch of the way.

"Why do I have to suffer? I'm too young to die! Where's my brain?" His brain waved from where it was packing a suitcase.

"You'll love it, honey." Saria said seductively as she opened the door to her house. As it opened the picture dissolved into a new dream.

In this new dream, Link was standing in front of a drawbridge, complete with a wall and a town behind it scrambling around on the ground, looking for something. As he watched, the drawbridge slowly opened, with the sound of hoof beats echoing in the air.

As the drawbridge opened completely, Link stood up. "Where are they?" he muttered as he kept looking at the ground. He was still looking as a white horse charged out of the gate and ran him over. The horse had two people riding it, an old woman and a little girl. As he watched them, a cough echoed behind him. He turned to see a thin-faced red-haired guy wearing black armor staring into space.

"Hey, have you seen my marbles? I think I lost them." Link asked him. The man was confused.

"What marbles?"

"The marbles I left right here."

"I think they ran away from you kid. Now what was I supposed to say? Something about crack, I think." He raised his arm. "Oh well. I think I'll kill you, since I'm bored out of my mind. I have needs too, you know."

"Navi...Navi, where art thou? Come hither...I really need to stop reading Shakespeare." The Stump descended into silent muttering while Navi just stared at him, waiting for him to notice her.

The Stump finally noticed her after a couple hours after talking to himself. She had eventually just left him there to get someone for his insanity.

She came back with a doctor, who was sleepwalking, since it was four in the morning. "Take twenty asprins and call me when I'm awake." He mumbled, and went off.

"Navi...Dost thou have a way for me to stop talking Shakespeare?" Navi did some fairy magic. "Thank you."

"Now can you get that brat, Link? I'm going to die of a curse soon and I need someone to lift it."

Navi left.

"GODDAMMIT!" Navi was (still) trying to get through a fence. She had gotten lost in the tiny Kokiri village, and had just spotted Link's house, when a fence got in her way.

"Screw this." She pulled out a chainsaw and chopped through the fence.

The noise the chainsaw made as it was revved next to Link's ear only made him roll over and yawn. Onto Navi. Who was still holding the chainsaw. Which went through Link's back. Yet he still slept on.

Navi began punching him as hard as she could while she was trapped. "Get up, stupid!" He slept on. "I SAID GET UP!" He slept on Navi suddenly got an idea. "Link, there's a shiny metallic object next to your head."

Link rolled over and swiped next to his head, looking for it, but since it wasn't there, he hit himself in the gut instead. He groaned. "Uggh...Why does it feel like my brain was stolen and replaced with a sponge?"

"No reason." Said Navi as she held a brain surgeon's kit and a brain behind her back.

"Anyway, the Deku Stump wants me to get you for something, I forget what." She shrugged. "And I'm supposed to join you."

Link stared at her with his mouth open. "Link?" She snapped her fingers. "Link, get up!"

"YES! I FINALLY HAVE A FAIRY!" Link screamed at the top of his lungs.

**(Hyrule Castle)**

Princess Zelda looked up as she heard someone screaming something about finally getting a fairy.

**(Back in the forest)**

"PARTY TIME!" Link screamed. He pressed a button and his house began transforming himself. About twenty seconds later, the transformation was complete.

"Link..." said Navi slowly. "How does this relate to parties?"

"Because I like breaking things." Link's house became a Transformer. He pressed another button and a control panel slid out of the wall. Cackling with glee, Link began making the Transformer step on the other Kokoris' houses, the trees in the forest, and other Kokiri. It was a very bloody scene and when it was over, most of the Kokiri lay dead or dying. Saria was lying in front of where Link's house used to be, twitching.

"Alright, party's over." He pressed a third button and the Transformer became his house again. Navi was shaking. "That...Was...AWESOME! Let's do that again sometime!"

"No, I will not let you pass without a shield and sword." Mido's decision was final, and besides, he couldn't move his fat ass, so the two idiots had to get the sword and shield so he move his fat ass out of the way...somehow.

Link was in the Training Center, trying to get the Kokiri Sword, but he kept getting hit by the rock there. He finally got past the rock, and was so excited that he fell into the chest the sword was in. Navi grew tired of waiting for him to notice the latch on the inside, and went to get some chocolate. She came back to see a charred Link, who was muttering nonsense to himself.

"Got the big boom and the desert rats got burned with ice cream, hehehe..." Navi gathered that he had decided to blow the chest up. "At least he got the sword." She thought. "Time to get a shield."

Link conspicuously snuck into the shop, where shields were being sold, humming the Mission Impossible theme. The shopkeeper, though, was dead from the Transformer rampage earlier, but Link didn't need to know that.

He snuck over to the counter, quickly looked around, jumped over, grabbed a Deku Shield, vaulted back over the counter and crawled out of the shop.

"How'd I do?" he asked a bored-looking Navi who looked at a stopwatch.

"Ten minutes and thirty-six seconds. We're seeing progress on your sneaking skills."

"Yeah...Sneaking skills." Link said looking around shiftily.

"...Whatever, let's go kill Mido!"

"Yay!"

"You can't pass without a shield and a sw-ghughgh!"

The last bit was Navi cutting Mido's head off with Link's sword.

"...PARTY TIME!"

Link took out a remote with a single button on it and pressed the button. His house became a Transformer again and proceeded to break everything that wasn't already broken in the forest while cackling evilly.

(a/n: Other than the different style, it is now, officially, remix time.)

Then the Transformer was finished with its rampage of much destruction, it became Link's house again and Link himself had the grin of a little kid who just found a new fun toy.

"Why that Deku Baba just sit there whistling?"

"It's one of the mysteries of life Link, now shut up, sit down and listen." Link quickly did as the Deku Stump said.

"Oh...Navi...Thou hast returned...Wait, what? Didn't you stop me from reading Shakespeare?"

"Yes. Then you started reading it again."

"Oh. Well then, Link, the time has come to test your courage. I've been cursed with a parasite by an emo with red hair, and I need you to break it, since I'm dying. Do you, Link whateveryourlastnameis, accept this mission?"

"Nope."

"But there'll be cake, friends and Navi! What more could you want?"

"A lifetime supply of matches, I want to make things burn."

"Done. Oh, by the way, I'm going to have to ask you to take three other idiots with you. I'm pretty sure they're housetrained, but I could be wrong."

"Hey/Oi!" came two indignant voices from behind the duo. They turned to see three people. The first was a boy of about fifteen, with crimson red hair sticking up in every direction possible, a shirt that looked like it had been dragged through a war, which was complete with pants that seemed likewise. His overall shabby appearance made him look like someone in dire need of some money.

The second was a pale man appearing in his late teens/early twenties dressed in a black business shirt with sweater-like sleeves, a red tie, a black vest with white designs, red tie, black suit pants, black cloth gloves, dark brown boots, a dark brown trench coat that ended just below the knee and a black derby(in this case a type of hat).

The third was a girl appearing a year older than Kasuto in blue jeans, short boots, same kind of gloves as the man, a white T-shirt, an over-sized leather jacket and black sunglasses.

"The first one is Kasuto. He fights for cookies, refrigerators, and against those cranky people that hate you stepping onto their lawns."

"You forgot the chocolate."

"Oh yeah, he fights for chocolate. And the other two a-." he was cut off by a shotgun blast aimed towards the sky.

"We're perfectly capable of introducing ourselves, thank you." The man said as he put away his sawn-off, "My name is Soren. I am from, how the Americans put it, 'across the pond' and that is all I am willing to divulge at this moment..." then he muttered "since I can't trust either of you as far as I can throw you..." as if referring to Link, Navi and Kasuto.

The girl trembled slightly before squeaking "You can call me Sylvia!" before slinking behind Soren who said "And she is my sister." with a dull monotone.

"Right. Any questions?" asked the Stump.

Link raised his hand.

"Questions that don't involve crap."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

"Or shit."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again. Soren face-palmed. Sylvia muttered insults in German. Doktor Devious, the person writing this, face-desked(hit my head on the desk).

"Or anything having to do with human waste."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again. Sylvia smacked Soren's forehead while her big brother did the same to her forehead(third-party facepalm).

"Or any kind of waste that comes out of a body."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

The Deku Stump moved an eyebrow at Soren who whistled a certain tune. A hawk came down and chopped Link's head off.

Link came running back to the Stump after respawning and had to fight through a giant robot, sixteen random undead Kokiri, Mido, Saria and three Deku Sprouts. He arrived in front of the Stump an hour later to find Mordo, Navi, Soren and the Stump playing cards.

"Now, are there any more questions, for the second time, not counting Link." he added as Link raised his hand. Link looked sad and put his hand down.

"Well then, kill this parasite, it's giving me an ulcer!"

"I don't want to go in your mouth! What if it's because you want to eat me? I don't taste very good. I taste like the letter yellow." Link whimpered. Kasuto put his arm around Link's shoulders and whispered something in his ear.

Link straightened up again, saluted Navi and marched right into the Stump's open mouth. Navi looked confused under her glow "What'd you tell him?" she asked Kasuto. He grinned.

"I told him there are Nazis in there, and he thinks any game where you kill Nazis is fun."

"They are."

"My sister's German..." Soren cut in.

Sylvia twitched. Soren teleported, reappearing on top of the Stump, sitting on the edge with his feet near the Stump's eyebrows.

There was much pain for Kasuto while Navi was sliced in half.

After they respawned Navi yelled "What in the absolute FUCK was that for?!"

Soren simply shrugged before jumping off the Stump and moonwalking into its mouth. He then poked his head out and said "You two coming or what?" then retreated back into the Stump's mouth.

Navi shrugged while Sylvia, after reverting back to human form, timidly shuffled toward the Stump's mouth but ran as Navi flashed her chainsaw and chased her in only to be stopped by a swift bootsole to the everywhere, as she is tiny, from Soren.

Kasuto merely shrugged and walked into the Stump's mouth, ducking the flying chainsaw as he did so.

**Done with the first chapter of the remix. I hope TheBrick approves. If not then I'll delete it. I'm not going to explain Syl's Psycho Form just yet. Don't wanna spoil it. Bye!*throws a flashbang and is gone when your vision clears***


End file.
